Staycationing: A Guide


COVID-19 has brought a host of new phrases into our lives since its arrival, from ‘social distancing’ to ‘substantial meals’ to ‘sneeze into your arm, you dirty fucker’. But one strikes more fear and uncertainty into the hearts of people than ‘staycationing’, a statement that is chock-full of potential disaster.

The notion of holidaying in Ireland might send waves of fear through those who remember cramped musty chalets and substandard meals at Mosney, but fear not; those things are reserved for people in Direct Provision these days. Instead, holidaying in Ireland can be as enjoyable as holidaying in, say, Scotland, or midlands Germany; if you follow a few guidelines:

‘It would be rude not to’

No holiday can start without the customary ‘sure it would be rude not to’ Instagram post of a pint at the airport. But with Staycationing, you cannot do this as you’re not flying anywhere, and drink-driving is mostly illegal in Ireland, mostly. So either skip this tradition, or risk staying at home because when one can got poured, sure you’d have to have another, you know yourself.

Loudmouth English

The English are renowned for showing up at the pool and shouting their faces off during every holiday you’re ever likely to have in this life; until you Staycation. Now, there’s no English louts getting pissed in a cafe in the sunshine, because there is no cafe, there is no sunshine and there are no English. Well, apart from the odd few who land over despite the government’s foolproof ‘please don’t come over’ guidelines. Now, you are faced with a task; in the absence of loudmouth English pricks, do not become a loudmouth prick yourself! This is a risk that is very easy to slip into!

Walking may be involved

Ireland has some stunning sights that rival the beauty you’ll find anywhere else in the world. But you may have to walk to get there. It’s one thing to hike up Machu Pichu; you’re in an exotic country and you’ll be the envy of your 78 Twitter followers. But hiking up Ben Bulben? Sure, it’s pretty, but the fucking thing is in Sligo. ‘I went for a walk in Sligo’ doesn’t quite have that much of a ring to it. And for what? A view that’s a little bit better than the one outside your window right now? This is all eating into your drinking time, by the way; you may need to reconsider.