Everything You Need To Know About Ghislaine Maxwell


THE elusive rich socialise and daughter of Robert Maxwell has reemerged into the media spotlight following her arrest for her alleged part in the crimes of the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

Despite the high profile nature of her alleged crimes and her presence in the world of the rich and famous, little is known about Ghislaine Maxwell. WWN shares with its readers all there is to know:

Maxwell is charged with six federal crimes, including enticement of minors, sex trafficking, perjury and ‘knowing too much’.

US Attorney General Bill Barr, who’s headmaster father Donald hired Jeffrey Epstein to teach his young students in the 1970s, has confirmed Maxwell has nothing to worry about when it comes to her safety while in custody.

Despite being born into a rich family, Maxwell enjoyed a normal life. As a girl, Ghislaine was given a new pony every weekend, and would take great delight in watching it fight dogs in a pit for money. Unlike her white privileged peers, she only received her first human pet when she turned 13.

Her peculiar first name is pronounced ‘Jizz-lane’, which her legal team admit is “unfortunate and will not sit well with any prospective jury”.

Has been incredibly vocal with prison security guards about her fine mental health and passionate desire to remain alive for decades. Has been heard to loudly proclaim ‘what a lovely day to not die in mysterious circumstances’.

First met Epstein by the oyster and champagne bar at a routine run of the mill baby sacrifice ceremony in uptown Manhattan.

Thought nickname of ‘Lolita Express’ for Epstein’s private jet was too on-the-nose, insisted he refer to it as ‘the Boeing 7-4-sex-crimes’.

She is godfather to Chelsea Clinton’s 5G mast and has won ‘MOSSAD agent of the month’ 17 times.

Over the years Maxwell has been pictured with a who’s who of the famous and powerful including Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, Elon Musk, Prince Andrew, Kevin Spacey, Attila the Hun, the Eiffel Tower and the Michelin Man.

Given the high profile nature of the ongoing Epstein investigations, Maxwell has been the subject of some disgusting and unfounded rumours, such as the outlandish claim she has horns protruding from her forehead. These were filed down by cosmetic surgeons in the early 90s.

Is, according to the naive among us, the world’s first and only female paedophile.

Briefly took swimming lessons from her father Robert.

Has stressed that she’s not a bad person, she simply has too much money to be able to function as a normal member of society and therefore should not be judged as one.

Has rare genetic condition which leaves her incapable of determining people’s age. Is terrible at massages, which is sure to be central to any defence.

DNA testing has proved that she is indeed Ghislaine Maxwell, after rumours that the arrested person was in fact a surgically-altered Filipino man that Maxwell bought in 2016.

Is still living off the royalties from her time as the front woman for popular mid-nineties band Texas.