PARENTS would normally turn to a summer camp to get the kids out of the house and out of their hair once the academic year is over but no, this is a world invented and overseen by a God who wants to torture parents so summer camps for the most part are a no-go.
If you are slowly unraveling before your very eyes, WWN Kidz is here to provide you with a vast array of alternatives that could keep your children entertained:
Remove both your ear drums. While not strictly entertainment for them, it’ll certainly make your life easier.
Glue iPads directly onto their faces. Don’t worry, we know what you’re thinking, but the battery when fully charged should last for at least 9 hours.
If you’re one of the lucky few with a newly reopened creche in your locality, dress your 14, 11 and 9 year old as toddlers and chuck them into a creche and run away before any staff can catch you.
If you have more than one child inform them that at the end of the summer they will have to fight to death for the right to remain in the house. Sit back and work away in peace and quiet as they diligently study up on jiu jitsu, switch blade skills and ‘which of your opponent’s bones to break first’ tutorials on YouTube.
Get a divorce; that’ll keep em on their toes, make sure they’re good and quiet as they work out what they did wrong, and if mum and dad still love them. It’ll occupy them more than any summer camp could.
Repeatedly tell them to ‘feck off and stop annoying me’. This will give you the required amount of time to read some story on the Daily Mail about some Dad who went viral after spending hours creating a ‘summer camp’ experience for his kids in their back garden. Show off prick.
Leave a bucket of paint in the shed and put enough locks on it to make it look like Fort Knox. Any parent worth their salt knows doing such a thing is only inviting trouble; before you know it they’ll spend hours covering the sitting room carpet in iridescent splodges of bright red.
Invent a missing kid called Ray Brower and task your children with running away on an adventure a la ‘Stand By Me’ to find him. They’ll be gone at least a week and maybe even form life defining friendships and life altering experiences. We’d only recommend including a Ray Brower corpse if your children are over 9.