Ryan Like The Ecologically Friendly Cat That Got The Carbon Neutral Cream
GREEN PARTY leader Eamon Ryan’s face bore a ‘zero carbon footprint shit eating grin’ today after he and his negotiating team secured some major policy concessions from Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, including a commitment to end Direct Provision and securing €360 million for cycling and walking infrastructure, as part of government formation talks.
Beaming like an ecologically friendly cat that got the carbon neutral cream, Ryan, who now wears solar panels on his back at all times and is permanently glued to a bicycle, is celebrating his party’s sinister plan to turn Ireland into some sort of hippy utopia.
“We have this soft hippy reputation, but these Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael pricks want power so bad we had them begging for a 7% reduction in carbon emissions, they appreciated the vegan friendly Vaseline we used too” added the leader, whose ‘X days since I said the n-word’ was at an impressive ‘3’, but nowhere near as impressive as his ‘X days since I mentioned bringing back wolves’ counter.
“Going into government is the responsible thing to do. We’re serious politicians and we’ve proved that after schooling the civil war parties,” added Ryan, whose fly was undone during this entire interview.
Other concessions the Greens earned included: forcing government TDs to do at least one awkward posing with a bicycle photo per week, to just give wearing socks and sandals a try, agree to convert the Dáil bar into a jungle rave once a year and provide army protection to any Green TD attending the next Ploughing Championships.
Those against the progressive agenda pursued by the Greens have warned that ‘Irish children will be forced to do yoga from birth, be given weird names like Daisy, Oak or Peter, and have wind turbines installed on their foreheads’.