Micheál Martin To Spend Day Mwah Ha Ha Ha-ing

WITH an announcement expected today that Fianna Fáil, Fine Gael and The Green Party have agreed a programme for government, next Taoiseach-in-waiting and Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin is to spend the bulk of the day perfecting his maniacal evil laugh.

Despite the three party coalition already being uploaded onto Pornhub and filed under ‘most disappointing threesome ever’, Martin has been cackling in nefarious fashion since waking earlier this morning, feeding off power like a child latching onto its mother’s breast.

“We’re the party that ruined the country, the party with 50% of TDs campaigning against repealing the 8th amendment but we’re somehow in power now. I love this country,” remarked a laughing Martin as a thunderstorm, localised to the room he was standing in, raged on making him grow stronger.

Now reaching deep down in his lungs for a defining power hungry laugh, Martin stared at his reflection delighting in the fact that when Ireland was in need of a transformational leader as it fought a pandemic, a once-in-a-century recession, housing shortages and inequality, Ireland got Micheál Martin instead.

Martin retired to a nearby chair to clasp his hands like a shit Bond villain as a Fianna Fáil aide opened the door to an awaiting queue of property developers and speculators who were all keen to kiss the ring.

Elsewhere, the public has been told to avoid their Sinn Féin supporting friends and loved ones as there will be ‘some moaning’ from the next week, possibly next five years.