THE Government has admitted that they sometimes struggled to stay focused on the topic of small to medium enterprises, due to the ongoing distractions of those sexy, voluptuous multinational corporations and their pendulous, juicy tax loopholes.
“Well, it’s very easy for the opposition to state that we don’t care about SMEs, but I think you’ll find that we care about them just as much as we care about Apple, or Intel, or Xerox, or… mmm, Pfizer, yeah, Pfizer baby, Pfizer” said current Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, trailing off mid-sentence as a stream of drool began to run down his chin.
“What the Taoiseach means by that” said Minister For Finance Paschal Donohoe, jumping in quick as Varadkar drifted off, “is that we are as invested in SMEs as we are to multinationals, who have deeply invested in Ireland. They’re really, really deeply invested. Sometimes… sometimes when you think they’re as deep as they can go, they invest even deeper, harder, with more jobs, more infrastructure…”.
“That’s right Paschal, good point” said Varadkar, picturing our reporter as one big massive factory in the midlands.
“And during the Covid-19 pandemic, we certainly made sure that SMEs got something. Like… sorry, I’ll get back to that point real quick, but first, have you seen the size of Google’s projections for 2021? Or the new data centre for Facebook in Meath, God, the curves on the revenue stream from that thing over the next ten years. of course, not much of it is coming our way, but that’s how we like it, isn’t it? That’s what we need, we’re a dirty little country and we need to be punished! We don’t deserve tax revenue from you, multinational daddy! We’ve been too bad!”.
Both Minister Donohoe and Taoiseach Varadkar both managed to calm themselves for long enough to get to the task at hand, which was opening a local Montessori school.