All The Ways Prince Andrew Has Tried To Help Epstein Investigation Revealed


IT IS becoming clear that when it comes to US authorities seeking justice for women and young girls exploited and raped as part of Jeffrey Epstein’s sex crimes empire there remains one true victim; Prince Andrew.

The sweat-free royal formerly known as Prince, Andrew, has been at pains to stress that he has been incredibly willing to cooperate with all inquiries into Epstein’s crimes even if the authorities directly contradict his account.

In a bid to set the record straight, WWN is listing all the ways Andrew has generously tried to help the Epstein investigation:

An unfortunate misunderstanding, Prince Andrew had been washing his hair for the last 15 years straight and therefore unable to line up a time that suited both the paedophile investigators and the prince.

Of course the life of a royal is very hectic, which explains why Prince Andrew then graciously offered the FBI a chance to interview him next February 29th between 1pm and 1.01pm. The fact that the next February 29th occurs in 2024 was a coincidence.

In his defence, Andrew never answers private numbers and is pretty sure everyone would have known this fact about him so it’s not really his fault.

“Hello FBI, this is Prince Andrew, txt here 2 arrange meeting” – a text sent from the phone of Prince Andrew shortly before he put the phone on a boat which was sailed out to the middle of the Atlantic ocean where it was then dumped in a vat of acid and sank to the bottom of the sea bed.

Next Andrew confirmed that as Covid-19 spread and made transatlantic flight less than ideal, he would be willing to jump on a Zoom video call. However, he was unable to start the call on account of the really poor wifi reception in his local Pizza Express in Woking.

Andrew only saw the unanswered FBI emails in his spam folder last week and never really uses his Hotmail account anymore, later suggesting to the FBI that it’s best reach him on his pager or by fax.

“Look, let’s not do this whole hire big bad lawyers to protect me like I’ve got something to hide, I’m very willing to talk” confirmed Andrew via a team of big bad lawyers.

“New fone, who dis?” – one of 44,000 follow up texts Andrew sent to various law enforcement officers. An understandable communication snafu as sometimes when you keep changing phones, old numbers don’t carry over.

At one point, Prince Andrew even suggested to the FBI that he will dance with any 13-year-old girl for a whole hour to show them proof that he doesn’t sweat.