Devil Demands Refund On Trump Soul

“I’M IN way over my head,” a worried looking Satan said as he listened to the hold music played by the customer service department of The Trump Organization, hoping to secure a refund on a regrettable sell-your-soul-to-the-Devil transaction.

Normally delighted by carnage, devastation and suffering across humanity, the fallen angel is worried he’s bitten off more than he chew as the seeds of generations worth of division flourish in America.

“No, no, no,” Satan insisted as he finally got hold of a Trump employee, “I’m looking at the terms and conditions here, it clearly says ‘one soul in exchange for ego-massaging election victory which would momentarily make up for having such a small penis’. I held up my side bargain but c’mon, he’s gone a bit too far hasn’t he? And I mean, hey, I say this as the most evil entity known to humanity; this Trump guy’s a real fucking empathy vacuum”.

God’s nefarious nemesis went on to state that he also had a right to a refund on account of the poor grubby and worthless condition of the soul.

“It doesn’t even qualify as a ‘soul’, look at the state of this thing,” a frustrated Satan added, dangling a flimsy soul which had the same putrid stench as a skunk orgy.

Satan has previously only demanded refunds on souls of murderous dictators who risked bringing humanity towards an ‘end game’ which risked cutting short his long standing game of cat and mouse with God.

“I haven’t got much else going on in my life, so I’d miss it if it came to an end,” a sad Satan explained.

It hasn’t all been bad for the world’s now second most famous sin lover, as Satan has been able to feed off the transparent narcissism of some people, who were part of the problem, now pretending to care.