LEAVING CERT graders tasked with assessing the grades of the class of 2020 have aired a sigh of relief today as the Department of Education announced the distribution of thousands of magic eight balls to aide them in the marking process, WWN can confirm.
Known now as the ‘calculated generation’, students opting to be graded on their ongoing contribution and effort over the past few years can do so from this morning via a government website, which is sure to be fail safe and fault free.
“It’s only our entire future in the hands of teachers and assessors and I’m sure there will be no hiccups or any issues when the grades come out,” said applied Leaving Cert student Jamie Woods, who is hoping to do medicine in Trinity College, Dublin.
Following the success of the newly announced system, students will also be given a calculated ‘results night piss up’ containing a detailed assessment of all the vomiting they would have done, based on previous session performance.
“I’ve already been graded as a lightweight for puking up after a flagon of cider in transition year, so that’s my results night ruined already,” confirmed student Tanya Heinz, daughter of John and Mary Heinz, Gorey, who had wished to remain anonymous.
Meanwhile mothers of Leaving Cert students have already begun lighting candles for their teenage sons and daughters, but instead of praying, threatened to set graders alight if they don’t mark the assessments to their liking.