Lockdown Wouldn’t Be So Bad If Man Didn’t Have Wife, Kids, Mortgage


WATERFORD man Eddie Caruthers has broken his silence on the ongoing Coronavirus lockdown situation, stating that if it weren’t for a few key decisions in his life such as getting married, having kids and buying a house that requires him to work constantly to pay for, the whole thing would have a ‘somewhat pleasant, early 20s layabout’ vibe about it.

“I’m just wondering whether or not Sheila and the kids are really adding anything to this once-in-a-lifetime experience, or are they just keeping it from being all it could be for me” mused the 35-year-old, who has never spent this much uninterrupted time with his wife and three kids before and is growing increasingly uncertain of how much he actually likes it.

Caruthers went on to theorise that his journey through Covid-19 would be made even simpler and a lot more fun if he didn’t have to continue to work from home in order to finance the mortgage repayments on the family’s three-bedroom home, or indeed anything.

“Ideal scenario; no wife, no kids, no mortgage, no job, but enough money to keep me in cans, crisps and PlayStation games,” stated Eddie, making lunch for everyone while his wife Sheila tried to get the kids to sit through an hour of schoolwork.

“As it is, it’s just like regular life only worse. I don’t even have two hours each way in traffic to take the sting out of having to deal with shit from my boss and shit from my family – it’s really starting to look like I don’t like anything about my life in the slightest”.

Caruthers trailed off at this point, having realised that he was saying all this out loud and his family were right there, listening.