THE cancellation of Electric Picnic 2020 has caused craicologists to move the hands of the Irish Craic Doomsday clock forward by 7 minutes, bringing the countdown to a zero-craic Ireland; the closest it’s been since the financial crash of 2008.
Experts are warning that as the rest of the summer festivals follow EP’s example, the hands of the clock may finally reach 12 Midnight; an apocalyptic storm of ‘shite buzz’ that threatens to permanently implode Ireland’s reputation as ‘good for a laugh’.
The Craic clock was moved forward for the first time in years after the initial lockdown phase of the Coronavirus outbreak meant the forced closure of pubs and nightclubs, and now the nation stands on the verge of a total Craicatoa situation, unless the following measures are taken;
– An alternative to summer festivals is found. Experts are suggesting that anything that conforms to Covid-19 regulations would work here, but are pleading with people not to go down the ‘Zoom party’ route, as this has been proven to be absolutely no craic whatsoever.
– A limit to the amount of Electric Picnic parody tweets, for example a picture of a sandwich in your back yard with the caption ‘LOL just paid a tenner 4 dis, who needs EP?’. “That shit does not help”, states Dr. Ernest Ferret.
– A clean, renewable alternative to pints must, MUST be found. “For too long, Ireland has been overly reliant on the pints to provide the craic” said Dr. Ferret. “We’re in a post-pints world. We have to adjust accordingly, or we won’t survive”.
– The nation must study what our neighbours in England are doing. “Street parties, singalongs, flag bunting; we must not repeat these mistakes” added the doctor.
– Fr. Ted memes are to be rationed to prevent overuse, and screenings of The Snapper are to be kept to just one per month.