Teacher Can’t Wait To Use ‘Calculated Grades’ To Fuck Over Prick Student He Hates

THE FORMAL ANNOUNCEMENT that students of this year’s Leaving Cert will receive ‘calculated grades’ or sit exams at a later date has been welcomed by all teachers whose favourite phrase is ‘you’ll amount to nothing’, WWN can confirm.

While the ongoing global pandemic has created an endless variety of complex problems that have unbelievably easy and straight forward solutions which are obvious to everyone, the Leaving Cert exams refuse to fit this description thus paving the way for teachers who dip out of classes for a smoke break and gave up caring years ago to really shine.

“Anyone I bitterly shouted ‘you’ll be pregnant before the Debs’ at during the last year is an automatic F,” glowed Emmet Castigan, teacher at Saint Augustine of the Tickled Rib secondary school, who honestly had no idea an ‘F’ is technically an ‘O8’ these days.

“Oh yes another F for this little shitbag who had the cheek to tell me I had accidentally taught the wrong curriculum for 18 months, let’s see who’s laughing now when you become the first student in history to get minus points,” added Castigan.

Elsewhere, teachers at private schools have vowed to give every student H1s (an ‘A’ in old money) as they ‘can’t be fucking arsed’ with the non-stop complaints and harassment they’ll receive from entitled parents if they don’t.

Optimists who reflected that the interruption in this year’s Leaving Cert examinations represented the perfect time to reform and modernise the exams while improving access to third level education for all have been told “haha, fuck no” by the Department of Education.