Lockdown Letters: ‘Noise From Nespresso Machine Is Slowly Driving Me Insane’


IN the latest in our ongoing Lockdown Letters series, we hear how movie megastar George Clooney is coping with isolation at his Lake Como home, Italy, amid the covid-19 lockdown restrictions.

We’re in the eye of the storm up here. The Lombardy region has seen some of the worst this Coronavirus has thrown at us. I tried to offer medical assistance, but the Italian authorities didn’t even care I was a lead doctor on the number 1 hospital drama, ER, for 5 years running, opting instead to stick with their own, less handsome and more capable doctors – their call, I suppose.

Instead, Amal and I have been cooped up in this 25 room mansion like some pair of white collar criminals under house arrest with nothing but dozens of staff to tend to our every need and an array of entertainment and games rooms with just our own personal leisure centre and 50 meter swimming pool for exercise. It’s a cruel fate, but not as cruel as that bastard coffee machine downstairs.

Nespresso ‘gifted’ me with one for doing some advert so I donated it to our kitchen staff because we don’t drink that dike flavoured piss – coffee is just powdered water – I don’t get it. It looks like shit and taste like shit, but our team of chefs constantly uses it and it’s always vibrating, rattling the whole kitchen and slowly driving me insane.

I think the sound just disintegrates my very being. I can feel each molecule of my body resonate in terror. My spirit recoils in horror with every deep hum, forcing my veneers to chatter uncontrollably. And what’s with those God-awful plastic pods anyway? In ten thousand years – when we’ve wiped out all life on this planet – alien archaeologists will come and find those pods and thank the universe for letting us kill ourselves. All for just one cup of flavoured water?

The sooner this virus kills us all, the better; at least then I’ll get some peace and quiet from that blasted machine. Accepting that was the worst thing I’ve ever done, excluding the film Batman, or course.