Fine Gael’s Real ’10 Key Aims For Government’ Revealed

FINE GAEL and Fianna Fáil have apologised for sharing their initial ’10 key aims for government’ document after it was revealed that the wishy-washy promises contained within it were actually written by a Green Party supporting Galway student after smoking a particular strong strain of Jamaica’s finest export, which the student intended on sending to Santa Claus.

While the vast majority of the public are happy to acknowledge and praise the efforts of many in the caretaker government, the leaked ’10 key aims’ triggered strong Vietnam-esque flashback for voters who were heard remarking ‘oh shit, yeah, I completely forgot this is Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil we’re talking about here’.

WWN has since got its hands on the real 10 key aims which Fine Gael says will guide all future coalition negotiations with Fianna Fáil and have reproduced sections of it below:

1) “Mention how ‘unprecedented’ the current situation is, as that’s about the only explanation for why we’d get into bed with Fianna Fáil after spending the run up to the election saying letting them look after the economy would be like giving a pyromaniac a year’s supply of matches and giving him the key to a fireworks factory doused in petrol which is next to a Flammable Materials storage unit”.

2) “This is an unprecedented crisis, the aftershocks of which will echo through the decades as they decimate the economy so it is now more important than ever to blame Sinn Féin. Non-negotiable. ‘The Crisis’ will now replace ‘Brexit’ as our future excuse for not following through on any promises”.

3) “Speaking of promises, make promises so vague that when the public read them a second time the words lose all meaning, example: ‘we support the re-enlivening of dormant economic prosperisation of emerging markets hitherto unheard of in a literal sense when adjusted for inflation’. Important: never deliver, but say you did”.

4) “Taoiseach Varadkar is open to negotiating with the leader of the opposition Micheál Martin over who will get to play the roles of Good Cop, Austerity Cop”.

5) “We are committed to saying the ‘wellbeing’ of Irish people will be a priority which supersedes all other goals. If Fianna Fáil enter coalition with us, they must practice saying this in the mirror with a straight face and not start cracking up laughing. Took us ages”.

6) “Enda Kenny thought he was the shit with his Billy Big Bollocks ‘5 point plan’ back in the day that went missing, well, just wait until I show him my ’10 key aims'” – this appears to be to a handwritten note by Varadkar underlined several times.

7) “Stress the need for housing, but plough on as normal, remaining a landlords, developers and pension funds wettest of wet dream”.

8) This document is full of ambition: “Fundamentally change, reimagine and revolutionise the way we pull the wool over people’s eyes”.

9) Vague phrases which ultimately mean nothing such as ‘a new social contract’ appears in large font on 40 consecutive pages. Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil have clarified this was an over, it was meant to appear on 60 pages.?

10) The document ends with “Power. Glorious power. Ours forever” mixed in with a appears to be an ancient incantation which has the potential to summon the Greek God of Austerity.