Tonight’s Lotto Has A Jackpot Of ‘Allowed To Exercise More Than 2km From Home’


IRISH lottery officials have confirmed a record breaking number of tickets have been sold in the wake of the announcement of an unprecedented bumper jackpot prize of one ticket which exempts a lucky winner from current lockdown and affords them a single restrictions-free session of exercise.

“We’ve never seen the likes of it,” confirmed Irish lotto official Ted O’Brien, who said lotto players had welcomed the chance to win something which was, unlike the usual boring millions of euro, a genuinely life changing prize coveted by the entire population.

Dormant and infrequent office lotto syndicates have burst back into life, snapping up hundreds of euros worth of tickets and people who call the lotto a ‘tax for stupid people’ have changed their tune, spending vast sums in the hopes of securing what is surely the most anticipated grand prize in lottery history.

“Oh my God, I can’t even contemplate how much this lotto win would change my life,” shared one hopeful player, who wouldn’t spend her winning exercise session all in the one local amenity, instead spreading it out across a far flung beach, nearby forest, mountain hike and local playground.

Shops are reporting a brisk trade when it comes to ticket as players have been informed this is the highest and most lucrative jackpot possible that will not rollover and ‘must be won’.

“This is our biggest prize, it simply doesn’t get better than this,” confirmed O’Brien, who encouraged prospective players to pick decent numbers, avoiding ‘shit numbers’ such as 23, 5 and 31, if they want to have any hope of winning.