“We Need To Talk About How Hot Jesus Is”


IN our latest entry of the WWN Voices series, we give a platform to people we really shouldn’t. This week is the turn of Emma Reagan, who is seriously horny for Jesus and isn’t going to keep quiet about it any longer.

I will not be silenced any longer, and frankly I’m fucking sick of talking non-stop about the ongoing pandemic. Why aren’t people talking about what a stone cold fox Jesus was?

Every image of him – gimme that body of christ, why does Jesus look like he does Crossfit and pilates? And more importantly, why aren’t talking about this? The Catholic impulse to suppress sexuality is all well and good, but top tip; if you’re going to do that then maybe don’t have a saviour that makes Momma wanna sin.

He’s the dream partner, and if he practices what he preaches – he’ll always put others before him so women will actually get to cum.

Take me to the Kingdom of Heaven, perform miracles on my orgasms, crucify my vagina, get some of me in the garden of Gethsemane! Talk about turning water into fine.

It doesn’t matter what iteration of Jesus we’re talking about either, the White Blonde Jesus the right wing Americans love, chocolate flavour Jesus, the Middle Eastern Jesus that he more than likely best resembled, they’ve all got one thing in common; you’re not kicking him out of bed for eating crisps.

Shoulder length hair shouldn’t work on any man or diety but it does. Oh, how it does.

He can worship at my altar any time. But what, we’re not supposed to point out the obvious? Like it’s offensive or something? I’ll tell you what’s offensive; weird ass Popes and rich people during the Renaissance commissioning paintings of Jesus with one clear direction to artists: “Jesus must have Big Dick Energy”.

I’m not the sick one for wanting to ride Jesus, you’re all the sick ones for not just admitting the same. Is it too much to ask that for once I can scream an ecstatic ‘Jesus Christ’ in bed without actually mean it?