Dislikeable Party Elect Dislikeable Leader


IGNORING a national yearning for political change as evidenced by the recent general election results, one dislikeable Irish political party has stuck to its guns by electing their most dislikeable leader yet; water metre touting, egotistical roaring sociopath Alan Kelly, WWN can unfortunately confirm.

Speaking to WWN from his Tipperary home surrounded by homemade paper plate supporters with drawn on faces, the new Labour Party leader roared in celebration via Zoom call for 17 minutes, before gathering himself together to continue his call.

“Look, I know everyone is busy with this Coronavirus thing, but does everyone out there know I’m the new leader of the Labour Party?” Mr. Kelly began, unaware James Connolly’s skeletal remains were slowly turning in his grave.

“These are unprecedented times, Alan Kelly has never been Labour Party leader before, the people need to know. Alan Kelly thinks there should be an Alan Kelly booklet sent to every home in the country, an Alan Kelly Six One News special,” said Mr. Kelly referring to himself in the third person, a sure sign he had banished his ego-driven ways.

Interrupting the interview to resort to another 6 minutes of self-glorifying roars, the newly installed Labour leader hugged his homemade supporters in climatic scenes before tearing into his future plans, and himself.

“Oh, I’m so hard I could quadruple college fees in an instant right now,” he continued, his right hand frantically tugging something small and out of sight, possibly a pencil, “oh yeah, baby, this Covid virus is really going to butthurt our economy and bring on some good old fashioned austerity over the coming months… oh God… tá me ag teacht… tá me ag teacht… oh go hiontach”.