Gangland Hits Set To Continue As They’re Labeled ‘Essential Service’


MUCH NEEDED clarification on whether or not gangland hits qualify for ‘essential service’ status has come in the form of the shooting dead of a man in Belfast, believed to be connected to a Dublin drug gang.

“There’s been some confusion but lookit, life, or the taking of life has to go on. We can’t let this virus win,” confirmed a spokesperson for the Irish Association of Hitmen, who asserted his profession needs to be respected like the essential service it is.

Gangland hitmen now join supermarket workers, farmers, nurses and delivery drivers among many other professions as an essential service which helps hold together the very fabric of civil Irish society. Middle class cocaine users have also stated that the work of drug dealer in ensuring the continued supply of cocaine has not gone unnoticed.

“We’re as necessary as frontline healthcare workers. I know the ICUs are at breaking point but sure with the A&E departments so quiet these days, we’re keeping them busy by sending in some shooting victims. We’re all in this together,” confirmed the IAH spokesperson.

The continuance of cross border crime remains the only aspect of current Covid-19 outbreak measures that has an all-island cooperative approach.

“They’re observing all the lockdown measures we’ve implemented; only necessary hits, shoot from a distance of at least two metres, wear gloves so you leave no prints or germs, be mindful of the public by using a silencer,” confirmed a joint statement for the PSNI and An Garda Síochána.