Local Eejits Told Now’s Really Not The Time


‘EEJITERY’, a beloved pastime of many an Irish person, is to cease across the board until further notice as part of Ireland’s emergency Covid-19 laws which will come into effect later this week and are aimed at helping to flatten the curve when it comes to the spread of the virus.

Distinct from ‘having the craic’, eejitry is a catch-all term to describe the unhelpful acts of people who are only making things worse through any combination of stupidity, malice or the fallout from being repeatedly dropped on the head as a child.

“There’s keeping a bit of humour and then there’s being a lunatic who insists on still shaking hands because ‘sure it’s all a load of panic over nothing’; these are the sorts of eejits we will be working against,” confirmed head of the newly established Eejit Suppression Taskforce.

“If you’re ‘sound out’ this will not affect you, but if you’re an absolute gobshite-ing geebag of a pox who takes gombeen eejitery to new levels you’ll be told to cop on, and maybe get pepper sprayed into oblivion if you share one more unverified bullshit rumour,” added the head of .

If the idiocy persists among the not insignificant supply of local eejits, authorities have a number of measures at their disposal to combat them. In addition to basic measures, the government’s newly released funding will also include free slaps for everyone who packed out the pubs last weekend.

In a separate address, the nation’s WhatsApp users have confirmed “if I get tricked into seeing one more picture of a black lad with a massive mickey I’m going to scream”.