The Boris Johnson Guide To Handling A Pandemic


WITH the vast majority of leaders of countries currently battling the spread of the Covid-19 virus following all the World Health Organisation’s advice on testing, social distancing, self-isolating and quarantining, one man bravely an courageously said ‘I know better’.

WWN is on hand to circulate Boris Johnson’s indispensable guide to letting people he deems dispensable to die; here’s the Boris Johnson guide to handling a pandemic:

Subtly plant the idea that ‘hey, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if all the old people died’. Make sure to stock up on Pale Horses.

Dig up Harold Shipman and put him in charge of coordinating the ‘herd immunity’ strategy and elder welfare.

Repeatedly stress the importance of washing your hands, social contact and travel, but in the sort of jokey tone that suggests ‘ah honestly, who even washes their hands. This whole thing is a waste of my precious time’.

Whatever you do, don’t admit that perhaps you’re initial plan was flawed, because who knows where that could lead you next; having to take actual blame for your actions? Heaven forbid, that sounds like something only poor people are forced to do.

Keep dropping in that phrase like ‘herd immunity’ and soon you’re supporters will be immune to listening to the vast majority of experts worldwide who all disagree with Britain’s strategy. When you eventually change your mind, they might even keep defending your idiotic initial plans.

Underplay Covid-19’s potential to be something that wreaks havoc everywhere it goes, something that cares not for borders. C’mon, it’s not that bad, what do people think this is, the British Empire?

Talk about how Britain survived the war, which luckily, is the exact same thing as a global pandemic. Next step: send the NHS to reenact the D-Day landings.

Stress the whole ‘surviving the war’ thing and continue to pursue a strategy that will definitely kill off whatever veterans are left.

Voluntarily opt out of helpful things like coordination with the EU, that Britain can still avail of at this point in the Brexit process.

Rely on your strong understanding of numbers and explain how the NHS can easily cope with 8 million people requiring hospital care at the same time.

If all else fails, maybe the immigrants are to blame?