World Offers Justin Bieber, Kanye West And Ed Sheeran In Return For Safety Of Tom Hanks


PEOPLE of all faiths, following and beliefs around the world have put aside their differences for the first time in history, and have pleaded with whoever it is that controls this crazy universe to please, please spare Tom Hanks.

Hanks, along with his wife Rita Wilson, announced on Instagram that they had tested positive for the Coronavirus, after experiencing symptoms while in Australia to shoot some movie you’ll probably never watch, but it’s nice to know it’ll be there when you need it.

In a bid to sate the appetite of whoever it is that demands the soul of Tom Hanks, a range of celebrities have been offered up in return, including the cast of pretty much any reality television series ever created, people who are ‘Instagram famous’, YouTubers, Justin Bieber, and the remaining members of The Jackson Five ‘for starters’.

“Are you up there? Does it have to be Hanks? Have you seen Greg Kinnear? He’s basically the same without the Oscars or the money” pleaded the million-strong congregation at the ‘Not Hanks, Please’ march.

“What about a Kardashian? What about all the Kardashian family? Including Caitlyn. Infect ’em all. How about politicians? Take whichever one you want. If you need a Hanks, what about his kid, the rapper? Why not him? For the love of God, why not Chet Hanks, you bastard! Why not Chet?”

Meanwhile, executives from Pixar have flown to Australia to help Hanks record every single word in the English language, to have on file for Toy Story 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.