Wills & Kate Visit, Day Three: Stop Reading This Shit, You’re Better Than This

STEP AWAY from the Mail Online, step away from social media. You’re better than this, you may have convinced yourself you’re not; thinking yourself not worthy of more intellectually rewarding experiences such as repeatedly punching your own face, licking sandpaper or drinking a lukewarm glass of sewer water, but you are!

This is the advice of one group in Ireland, calling themselves So What, Famous People Are In Ireland, Fucking Get Over It & Stop Embarrassing Yourself, who have today circulated an angry tirade against the vacuous act of stalking William and Kate through the media and social media sightings like some servile Commonwealth slaves from the 1500s.

SWFPAIIFGOTSEY’s 80,000 word statement has been condensed below:

What could they possibly be doing that’s worth you administering the media coverage directly into your veins like it was a cure for the fucking Coronavirus?

Are ‘Wills and Kate’ getting matching tattoos of the Celtic crest on their arms? Did they get President Higgins in a headlock and try to retake the Republic? Did William take a piss in the Garden of Remembrance, did he get barred from Coppers, did he get in a fight with Mr Tayto in Temple Bar?

Did William say ‘yeah, fair cop, the British government currently trying to make it impossible for the families of innocent civilians murdered by British soldiers in Northern Ireland to get justice and see those soldiers on trial is awful, I’ll have a word with Boris’?

Whether you’re bored on your phone, in work at your desk, or dangling at the end of a bungee jump cord while on holiday in New Zealand, there’s no excuse for this behaviour. You can do so much more with your time, things that are contributing much more positively to your life like watching another repeat of Friends or taking a dump.

You’ve fallen for the Guinness trick again, haven’t you? One pose with a beverage actually owned by British business, Diageo, is enough to win you over? And the ‘sombre standing by a memorial’ routine?

Did Kate do something unfathomable like wear some green clothes as part of a brazen PR move to get you all to fawn over the Royals and here you are on your 40th article of the day?

Oh wait, they visited a fucking Londis? We take it all back, holy-fucking-shit, they’re just like us, and they probably don’t talk about how inferior commoners are behind our backs.