POURING over the latest post-election opinion poll that gives Sinn Féin 35% of voters support, Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael are, for the first time in their illustrious histories, beginning to suspect the Irish public may not hold them in the sort of high esteem normally reserved for cherished loved ones.
“You don’t think this means…” ventured Taoiseach Leo Varadkar while staring at the poll results, but before he could say he was entertaining the frankly insane idea that the Irish public were somehow sending Ireland’s two Civil War parties a clear and negative message, Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin spoke up.
“No, no, I’ll stop you right there Leo, I’ve always said you’re too hard on yourself” Martin piped up, “d’you know what it is, you just have study the numbers for a bit longer until you see the real message, it’s there somewhere. It has to be”.
“Oh, yeah, I think I know what you mean,” chimed Varadkar, gripping the newspaper more intently, unable to see anything.
Hunched over the paper, the leaders, who now share an office because honestly who are they kidding, plus rent these days is pure shocking, appeared to finally be willing to see the truth that the rest of the country has known for some time.
“I see it now, gah! Wasn’t I being awful silly with the whole ‘the public would rather take a bath in acid than have either of us in power,” Varadkar continued, “if there’s one nugget of info to take from this devastating poll. This poll here in the paper, the one that says Sinn Féin are far and away the most popular party in the country, and that they’ve only increased in popularity, that one nugget is…”.
“I’m right there with you Leo, I think I’m reading your mind”.
“Shall we say it at the same time so, y’know, for dramatic effect?”
“I don’t see why not”.
“Okay on three”.
“Wait, three as in ‘one, two, three go’, or just ‘one, two, three’ and then say it?”
“No with ‘go’ like, but counting down from three”.
“Ah okay, right so – three, two, one, go!”
“The Irish voting public have made it overwhelmingly clear they want, above all else, above a cure to cancer, is a Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael led coalition!” both leaders said in remarkable unison, finally finding the comforting explanation behind why people at first appear to be favouring Sinn Féin.
Sitting back and relaxing for the first time since the poll came out, another thought sparked in the mind of the Taoiseach.
“Do you think I should write in the Sunday Independent about how the authorities should launch a criminal investigation into my political rivals, Sinn Féin, and their TDs’ finances? That wouldn’t look dodgy? Wouldn’t make me look like a tone deaf fool or back fire at all, would it?” asked the Taoiseach.
“Sounds great, but I might leave you to yourself on that one, Leo,” concluded Martin.