Leo Varadkar’s Guide To The 2020 Election

REMAINING coy on the exact date for this year’s general election, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar spoke to WWN and helpfully divulged some details which will be of use to the electorate ahead of what experts are calling ‘surely the most disappointing array of politicians’ on record:

– Unhappy with the current state of public services? The Taoiseach was kind enough to remind the voting public that such things are of course Fianna Fáil’s fault; the party most famous for not being in government these past 9 years.

– Will reveal election date once latest selfie gets over 1,000 likes.

– The Taoiseach confirmed the establishment of The RVC (Royal Vote Checkers) an armed force with the responsibility for making sure people are eligible to vote, based on how positively they view the Black and Tans. Anyone who is found to have listened to the Wolfe Tones on Spotify in the last month will have their poll cards torn up.

– Those looking to vote for non-Fine Gael politicians will be allowed to do so on a special election day on the 30th of February this year.

– In a hint that he is already in full balls-to-the-wall campaigning mode, the Taoiseach went as far as to make a momentous election promise of possibly building an additional house if Fine Gael are returned to power.

– Micheál Martin only showers once every two weeks, but you didn’t hear that from Leo Varadkar.

– Reaffirming that Fine Gael is the party for those who ‘get up early in the morning’, voting will only take place between 6-9am to avoid dole heads and scroungers thinking they have a right to a say.

– As this is a democracy, Varadkar has committed to taking part in several televised debates, which he along with other party leaders, promised would put everyone off elections for life.

– Was careful to label anyone left of Fianna Fáil on the political spectrum as hippy crack pots who are so insane they would make having an actual climate change policy a priority and also raise income tax to 110% of earnings.

– A list of the best funerals for politicians to attend will be published in due course.

– Said he is pretty happy with how disinterested and disengaged voters seem and isn’t worried about the potential of a high voter turnout.

– Would be open to flipping coin with Fianna Fáil to see who’s turn it is this time if public aren’t arsed going through drawn out election campaign.