So You’re On A Boil Water Notice; Here’s What Happens Next


WE’VE had boil notices up and down the country all year, and now there’s a ‘do not consume’ notice up for County Cavan, affecting nearly 8,000 people for the foreseeable future. It’s a week until Christmas. What’s a nation to do?

If you guessed ‘drink the face off yourself’, then you guessed right. Senior members of the Department Of Water have admitted that it’s now much safer to drink alcohol than water in Ireland, even taking in the associated risks of falling and splitting your head open when you’re shit-faced.

With alcohol acting as a natural alcohol, it will easily kill off any germs that may be found in your regular water supply, meaning that even if you’re unlucky enough to drink a contaminated glass of water provided by your friendly water company, a few shots of something harder should be enough to level off the ill effects.

“If your kids are thirsty, give them a blue WKD” said a spokesperson for Irish Water, soon to be re-branded as Irish Poison.

“As for adults, well they say you should drink two litres of water per day. So make that 5 pints of beer, just to be on the safe side. Or a single naggin of vodka, whatever’s closest to you. The situation with our tap water is bad, and getting worse.. luckily, if you get good and fucked up, you won’t even mind”.

Irish Water went on to state that the ‘do not consume’ notice may soon become a ‘do not touch’ notice, which will lead to a lot of people getting very smelly, very soon.