Can A New Beard Style Save Eoghan Murphy’s Political Career?


NOT BUILDING houses didn’t do it. Spending hundreds and hundreds of millions of taxpayer’s money in HAP payments to landlords and vulture funds instead of building social housing didn’t do it.

Massaging housing and homeless figures didn’t do it. Could the answer to saving Eoghan Murphy’s political career come in the guise of just changing up his facial hair game?

Fresh from presumably surviving a motion of no confidence in the Dáil with the help of Fianna Fáil makes the days Murphy was flavour of the month and subject of umpteen totally relatable ‘TDs you fancy’ articles online feel like a completely different era.

When did politics become substance over style? Such a shame what it’s devolved into, but Murphy needs to rebuild his legacy.

How can The Murph recapture that golden time when the very people who weren’t in any way directly affected by his woeful inept tenure as Housing Minister gave him a free pass on all that ‘poor people are always moaning’ stuff.

It’s too late for a simple standard moustache, Movember’s been and gone. A handlebar certainly puts forward a strong ‘I can handle keeping a straight face when talking about how there is no housing crisis’, but is it too kitsch?

Maybe a kitsch and ironic moustache is the very thing that would keep voters distracted?

The Hitler tash directly below the nose is a little on the nose and a gift to his critics, and growing a bushier beard would draw unfavourable comparisons to homeless people who it’s fairly clear he can’t abide.

Plus a bushier, fuller beard is a nightmare to maintain – imagine how dry and coarse it would feel after going white water rafting at Dublin City Council’s latest solution to the housing problem.

Look, it’s not perfect, it doesn’t have a dedicated area to drown poor people in, but that’s what the council gets for not consulting the minister first. The Murph can’t catch a break.

Could he invent a new style of facial hair? Just some random square on each cheek? Anything to get people talking about anything unrelated to the missed targets, the made up targets he claims to have hit.

Think of the memes, the seemingly self-deprecating tweets sent on his The Murph’s official Twitter account carefully crafted by a team of PR heads about a ‘hair raising visit to my local barber Foreign Sounding Name Man. He’s a real pal’.

This could have some serious potential. The presence of two unsightly squares on his cheek’s could even drive his critics to distraction who become so angry at the lack of anger shown at the substantive issues that affect real people.

This could be the one. Consider The Murph’s ass saved. He doesn’t even need to adopt the new Fine Gael policy of slagging off refugees.