School Newsletter Email Just Another Request For Money

PARENTS of pupils in one Waterford NS have taken to diverting to a junk folder or just ignoring any mails sent out by the school, as they’re invariably just another request for money or free labour.

St. Morticia of The Weeping Elbow Primary School adopted the new email system in late 2018, after legislation was passed by the government banning schools from requesting fees as part of the application process.

With the removal of this revenue goldmine, once the perfect place to shake parents down for ‘administration fees’, St. Morticia’s was forced to implement a ‘voluntary contribution’ system, which failed to extract enough money from already cash-strapped families.

Subsequently, the school collected the email addresses of every parent by rummaging through their bins one night, and have since sent some 7895 emails, with headings such as ‘Roof Leak: Need Help’ and ‘Money Required: Your Kids At Risk’, among the usual mails about head lice and various other diseases.

“We’re closely following the model of all schools in Ireland, whether they’re fee paying or not; gimme gimme gimme,” said Alice Wallis, headmistress of St. Morticia’s.

“We have a fundraising thing pretty much every week, so we’ll send out mails for people to either partake, work the door, fill out sponsorship card, or just give us cold hard God damn cash. If the parents stop responding to the emails, we just send home notes with the kids. Sometimes we’ll just draw ‘GIVE US MONEY’ on the child’s face with a biro. What’s are parents gonna do? Send their kid to an Educate Together? You think those fuckers are charging nothing, do ya?”

Meanwhile, parents have perfected the art of ‘looking into the middle distance’ when dropping their kids off at school, to avoid unnecessary eye contact with teachers holding out empty coffee cups while petting small malnourished dogs.