Here’s Who The Government Are Blaming The Housing Crisis On Today


THE government has held its daily work-in-progress meeting to tackle the root cause of why the housing crisis continues to grow in Ireland, despite the sterling work of Housing Minister Eoghan Murphy and the flawless strategy that they’ve been sticking to for years now and will continue to abide by until the country is back in order, no matter how long it takes.

Today’s reasons for why over ten thousand people are still on the pesky homeless list while the rental market continues to be a lawless Bandit Country include:

1) Builders aren’t building properly

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar said out loud this week that ‘old fashioned’ building techniques were harming productivity, and that newer, more advanced ways of making homes quicker and cheaper would be necessary to get the housing crisis off the political docket ahead of any upcoming General Elections. Well, he may not have said that last part, but it was heavily implied.

2) The planning and appeals process

While thinking up a thousand houses may be ‘no big deal’, actually getting the job done can be a torturous and painfully slow process through appeals courts and planning inquests. No solutions were submitted to this problem; the government like to just acknowledge it each week as there’s not much they can do about it.

3) Someone left buns in the canteen

Significant work was expected to be done this week on the housing crisis, but an all-staff email went round to say someone had left cakes and treats in the canteen as a going-away gift, thus wiping out productivity for days.

4) Storm Lorenzo

Even the suggestion of a hurricane/tropical storm/mild breeze completely threw the entire housing scheme for the week out of whack, as well as giving the Department of Housing the perfect excuse as to why the 10,000 homes they promised before Friday haven’t appeared. Blew away, didn’t they?

5) Season 2 of Mindhunter

Some people in the department still aren’t caught up, meaning there’s been a lot of people abandoning their posts to have chats about the show without spoiling anything.

6) They actually have made progress

The meeting wrapped up on a positive note; although there may still be some 10,000 Irish people waiting for homes, this is actually a good thing. It’s in line with figures set forward by the (this is inaudible as Minister Eoghan Murphy coughed halfway through this line), and the number of homes built this year is well on track to solve the housing crisis by early (coughing again here). Everyone left happy with the good job they’re doing! Is there any of that cake left in the kitchen?