10-Year-Old Readies Himself For Second Recession Of Life


BATTLE-hardened economic survivor Dennis Feenan has advised the younger kids in school to ‘buckle up’ for financial insecurity following the news that Ireland may be headed into a Brexit-induced recession, but has added that this isn’t his first rodeo and he’ll ‘see them through’.

Feenan, 10, has advised schoolmates in baby infants and high babies in all things recession survival, adding in grim tones that he was ‘born into this shit’ during the grip of the 2008 banking crisis and the subsequent economic depression that lasted until he was 6 in 2014, when Ireland allegedly emerged from recession.

Kids have been advised to stock up on Match Attax and to ‘make this Christmas count’, but on the plus side they can look forward to a lot more time with Mum and Dad, who will be able to drop them to school and pick them up thanks to their new unemployed status.

“If you haven’t got an uncle in Australia, you will soon,” said Feenan solemnly, pretending to smoke the straw of a Capri-Sun.

“I’m not sure what Brexit is, but that’s okay because I’m not sure that any of the grown-ups do either. All I know is that I heard Mum and Dad talking about it after I went to bed last night, and that Dad was crying again like he used to when I was very small during the last recession. All I can say is that solutions that the governments of this world have in place to prevent this kind of thing happening don’t seem to be working, but I’m sure they’ll fix all that after this next recession. I mean, they’re grown-ups, right? They know how to handle this shit”.

Feenan wrapped up by advising kids to save all their money from grandparents rather than blow it all on Double Dips.