“We’ve Banned Oil Drilling” Confirms Taoiseach Cutting Ribbon For New Oil Licences


FRESH from his big important politician speech at the UN climate summit in New York where he pledged to end Ireland’s awarding of new oil licences, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar spoke movingly for the need to protect the Earth’s fragile climate at a ribbon cutting ceremony for new oil excavation licences today.

“Words are meaningless unless they provoke genuine action, which is why we’ve pledged to ban awarding petroleum exploration licences,” the Taoiseach said while cutting the ribbon awarding as many as 10 new licences in the hope no one notices.

“No one can question this government’s commitment to poorly crafted publicity stunts,” a Department of Photo Ops official told WWN at a ceremony, which saw the courageous Taoiseach putting out the Dáil’s green bins, all by himself.

It later emerged that that bin was put out a day late and actually filled with burning tyres, however, the Taoiseach’s willingness to read out whatever statement has been concocted by his spin team has been widely commended by his supporters.

“Look, you have to be practical about these things; if you immediately ban oil licences, and heaven forbid, gas licences too, how are we meant to secure cushy positions on fossil fuels company boards when we retire from here with a full state pension?” remarked one Fine Gael official.

Elsewhere, a large majority of the Irish public have confirmed they couldn’t in good conscience support any oil excavation unless it makes Ireland filthy rich, like a Saudi Arabia.