YOU may not have a partner, you may not be expecting a baby, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have the perfect name picked out for when a little bundle of joy finally arrives at your door, however many years that may take.
But wait, what’s this? Your friend you haven’t heard from in years just posted on Facebook about how they’ve just had a baby, and what did that selfish asshole go and do? They named their kid the same name you were going to give your hypothetical, will-probably-never-happen baby! This just won’t do! Here’s a few things you can do now!
1) Blacken that name for all time
These days, it’s easier than ever to create a fake but believable online presence, and catapult it to worldwide infamy. By doing so, you can make your friend’s baby go from having a beautiful name that you’ve loved for years, to having a name everyone hates. Create an online character, who streams games or has a podcast or does whatever people like these days, and gain a huge audience. Then turn the character, making them a truly hated asshole who’s mere name evokes boiling rage. Think Logan Paul. We’re sure that he’s just a creation of someone trying to ruin the name Logan. Can’t even name our kid after our favourite X-Men character anymore! Fuck sake!
2) Congratulate them
Alternatively, congratulate your friend on their beautiful new arrival. But here’s the thing! You won’t mean it! Instead, you’ll be doing that very Irish passive-aggressive thing. Say nothing, forever. Let it just boil inside you. Let the negativity grow. Let it consume you. Let it chase you into the grave. How dare they do the thing you wanted to do, that you never told them about, but they should have just somehow known. It’s an insult to you, so it is! On purpose! Are you going to stand for that shit, or are you just going to give these people a half-smile every time you see them, so that when they’re on the way home they look at each other and say ‘hey, did you think there was something up with Derek tonight?’.
3) Steal that child
You wanted a child with that name, well, we see a simple solution to this problem. Mind you, you’re going to have to change the kid’s name if you go down this route. And your own. And your address, phone number, identity, appearance… still though. It works.