IF THERE’S one thing the fallout from Britain’s referendum to leave the European Union has taught us, it is that there is a pitiful and shameful lack of knowledge about Irish history among… Irish people, however, British people (read Brexit supporting politicians) have always been on hand to correct the record and present an unbiased account of the Emerald Isle’s colourful history.
On the off chance that you are in need of brushing up on your Irish history through British eyes, here is your one stop shop for all things Ireland:
The correct British version of events: it was just sitting there. No one else was using it.
The Siege of Drogheda, 1641
Oliver Cromwell massacres over 2,000 people.
The correct British version of events: Cromwell, invited to invade by a supplicant and happy Irish people, begged the people of Drogheda to see sense and engage in a peaceful transition of power, the natives (who were drunk, naturally) barricaded themselves in and placed themselves under a voluntary siege and blockade, refusing to allow food into the town. Then to Cromwell’s horror, the people began running at speed towards the swords of Cromwell’s men, voluntarily impaling themselves on the swords and dying.
With their dying breaths locals could be heard saying “please take the town with our permission, you deserve it. Oh and please, if you want, murder about 40% of the Irish population”.
The correct British version of events: leading light of British acting. As English as the Queen. Same as Hozier, Graham Norton, Sally Rooney, Shane Lowry, Conor McGregor and Katie Taylor.
The Plantation of Ulster, 1609
Britain colonises Ulster with loyal English-speaking Protestant subjects from Scotland, forcing native Irish off their land.
The correct British version of events: Britain builds Belfast’s botanic gardens as a gift to the island, free of charge.
Erroneously described by Irish people as an attempt by Irish patriots to end British rule in Ireland through a revolution which ended with executions of the Rising’s leaders by British forces.
The correct British version of events: After feral Irish beasts tried to introduce Sharia Law on the streets of Dublin, Queen Elizabeth II, who was not yet born, valiantly fought the Irish monsters (who were drunk, naturally) and vanquished them. This is why to this day Ireland’s flag is the Union Jack, and it’s national anthem is Ed Sheeran’s The Shape Of You.
The Penal Laws
An oppressive set of laws introduced by the British targeting Catholics, including banning Catholics from positions in public offices, exclusion from legal professions, no voting rights.
The correct British version of events: Catholics were treated to weekly bouncy castle parties with an endless supply of tea and crumpets. Ungrateful Irish (who were drunk, naturally) misremember the events entirely.
Catholics in Northern Ireland are oppressed, denied equals rights and treated as second class citizens. The British State, its army and police force colludes with Loyalist terrorist groups to murder innocent people as the IRA carry out a terrorist bombing campaign in Northern Ireland and Britain.
The correct British version of events: it was called The Brief Misunderstanding, not The Troubles and really it wasn’t that big a fuss, whatever you do don’t read up on Soldier F, Bloody Sunday, Internment, the Hungry Strikes, the Miami Showband, the Ballymurphy Massacre, the Glennane Gang, the Dublin Monaghan Bombings. Move along nothing to see here. Okay, if you want honesty, a 50 feet tall Gerry Adams with lasers beaming from his eyes incinerated London in a mindless rampage.
The Good Friday Agreement
An end to The Troubles.
The correct British version of events: Wah, wah, wah, people don’t want a war in some nonsense nothing place called Northern Ireland. Like we give a fuck.
The Bank Crisis 2008-10
Stupid Irish government fucks over its own people.
The correct British version of events: Smart Irish government (who were drunk, naturally) fucks over its own people. We’re quite jealous of the job they did actually.
The Book of Kells
Detailed illustrations of the Christian Gospels dating from 800AD.
The correct British version of events: A beautifully detailed guest gook filled out by Irish people, thanking Britain for all they’ve done for Ireland with the majority of people begging to be re-invaded and saved from a progressive and sovereign country.
The Black and Tans
Winston Churchill established RIC outfit, notorious for the murders and massacres they committed in Ireland during the Irish War of Independence.
The correct British version of events: similar fashion brand to Burberry. Do nice leather handbags.
The Irish Border
Britain holds a referendum to leave the EU with vague terms applied to the referendum and no clear indication what such a thing will look like in practical terms, leading British politicians wittingly plunge Northern Ireland into chaos and risk ruining all the good work of the fragile Peace Process.
The correct British version of events: a fictional thing which was invented by the T-Shirt Leo Varadkar (who was drunk, naturally) in 2017 out of spite to make it look like British politicians are utterly incompetent and only have one goal; to personally enrich themselves no matter the cost to the ordinary person.
The Famine, 1845-49
British government oversees the export of majority of food from Ireland to Britain while a potato blight takes hold. Through malice and incompetence, lays the groundwork for over 1 million Irish people to starve to death.
The correct British version of events: the what now?