31 More Signs Brexit Is Going Really, Really, Really Well

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
SHARES

AS A WAY of cutting through the guff spouted by the left wing media who would dig up Fidel Castro’s corpse and let it defile them given half the chance, WWN has gathered 31 more signs that Brexit is going incredible well, will go well and will magic the old Empire back into reality before too long:

1) Assertive action by Britain’s government is needed more now than ever, which is why Boris Johnson calling his cabinet a ‘war cabinet’ is just what’s needed. Who are they at war with? The British people*.

*source: The Conservative Party

2) To avoid a return to the ‘dark days of The Troubles’ Johnson’s government have confirmed putting aside spending on new street lights for Northern Ireland. They have also downgraded the Troubles to ‘the Mild Bothers of Little Consequence’.

3) Doctors in Britain providing cancer treatments to patients have signed a letter pleading with the government to clarify whether or not hospitals will have sufficient supplies to carry out cancer treatments. Take that the EU! Doctors not knowing if they’ll have medicine supplies and worried people will die unnecessarily? Sounds pretty good to us.

4) Britain will have to use the mould on its ceilings to make cheese in a no-deal Brexit scenario.

5) Official British government documents have warned of an increase in organised crime, panic buying and fuel shortages in the event of a no-deal Brexit. Chalk that down as a win.

6) Ooooh, Jacob Rees Mogg has issued a new style guide for MPs. That should reverse the roughly 200,000 job losses resulting from Brexit so far including 50,000 plus in the automobile industry alone.

7) White nationalist Steve Bannon is on the BBC a fair bit these days giving his two cents, that’s probably harmless enough.

8) Johnson extended an olive branch to EU leaders earlier today by saying “I know you are but what I am” before making what appeared to be a farting sound with his mouth.

9) The British PM also stated that Britain will leave the EU on the 31st of October “do or die”. While not 100% clear, it is believed only the poor people will ‘die’ as Johnson and his cohorts ‘do*’.

*’do’ is another word for ‘enrich themselves further at your expense’.

10) Michael Gove has denied being the individual who keeps going into the Wikipedia entry for ‘the Backstop’ and editing the information so that it looks like the backstop wasn’t all the British government’s own idea in the first place.

11) Incidentally, Michael Gove looks like an infected testicle filled to bursting point with blackcurrant flavour Ribena. This is not a sign Brexit is going well but nonetheless, it needs to be said.

12) Members of the Conservative party keeping casually calling German politicians Nazis. Get in!

13) Jeremy Corbyn has been rushed to hospital with a crippling case of altitude sickness as it transpires he has had his head in the clouds for much of the last 3 years.

14) It seems Johnson has kept hold of the DUP’s loyalty and support. Having the support of an anti-science, anti-LBGTQ, anti-abortion, anti-equality party is definitely a good thing. In case it needed stating.

15) The Tories have announced vague plans they intend to renege on the second anyone stops looking, including the hiring of 20,000 new police officers to fill the void created by the Tories cutting 20,000 police jobs.

16) Miniature Union Jack flags will be made available to everyone who loses a job as a result of Brexit.

17) Boris Johnson, Dominic Raab and any number of other members of the government still haven’t read The Good Friday Agreement, it’s this sort of lack of attention to detail that bodes well for the mind-bogglingly complex ramifications involved for every facet of Britain’s economy and society that comes with Brexit.

18) Pro-Remain moanbags will point to the news that the government’s own analysis suggests Britain is in a weaker position in its preparations for a no-deal Brexit than in the springtime, but do you really want to take the word of the people in the civil service most intimately involved in putting plans in place? Like they really have a clue. Nigel Farage, now there’s someone who has a clue.

19) The potential gaps in national security within Britain as a result of Brexit (no-deal or otherwise) has been continually highlighted by security services, but, taking Boris Johnson’s lead and being bloody positive for once there is nothing like a large scale tragedy to bring a nation together.

20) Tim Rycroft of the Food and Drink Federation of the UK has said there will be food shortages for months in the event of a No Deal scenario and called a no deal ‘disastrous’.

21) There’s a lot of talk of food rationing now. That’s…cool?

22) The Conservative government announced a £2.1 billion plan to prepare for a hard Brexit = good*. The Conservative government didn’t bother spending any of a £3.5 million in EU aid money meant for deprived people under the Fund for European Aid to the Most Deprived = also good*.

23) Bonus: food banks have confirmed they are struggling to feed a million people in need during the summer = also good*.

*source: The Conservative Party

24) Johnson has appointed Leave Campaign mastermind Dominic Cummings to a key advisor position. Pretty easy to find him on YouTube saying ‘Conservatives don’t care about poor people’.

25) Chairperson of the Conservative party James Cleverly has confirmed more money will be put into the NHS, and funds will come from economic growth which is…oh that’s right – going to plummet in a no-deal scenario as Britain could enter a well-flagged recession.

26) Sterling has taken a nosedive since Boris Johnson took charge, but it is unlikely those closest to the PM would plan and connive to exploit such financial fluctuations for their own monetary gain. Thank goodness Britain has a strong, morally resolute leader at the helm who prepared a pro-Remain and pro-Leave newspaper column on the night before the Brexit referendum.

27) That’s sterling at a 28-month low by the way, but that’s where Britain wants it, so low everyone in the EU starts to feel sorry for it and then presumably gives into Johnson’s government’s mental demands.

28) Of the opinion there’s simply too many animals? Don’t worry thanks to a no-deal Brexit, farmers will have cull a lot of sheep and cows.

29) Britain’s media spent much of the last 24 hours talking about staring seagulls into submission.

30) Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab explained that there will be ‘a huge series of upsides’ for the UK in trade after Brexit while failing to name any.

31) Labour’s shadow chancellor John McDonnell says Jeremy Corbyn should tell the Queen ‘we’re taking over’ in the event of a vote of no confidence in Boris Johnson. This sounds very normal and regular.

ONE MORE THING: Our articles have been free for the past 10 years and will remain so for the foreseeable future. We've since launched an exclusive service for sound fuckers to donate a price of a fancy coffee per month in return for a whole new tier of quality satire. So please, give our small team some support, you absolute legend. Thanks.

Signing up is easy and done HERE.
Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.
Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share