Tory Contest Down To Final Two Incompetents


THE Tory leadership is entering its final, deeply disconcerting and depressing stages as party MPs have selected Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt as the best and final two incompetents that will be tasked with becoming prime minister and further plunging Britain into the nightmare it shows little willingness to wake from.

Recent changes to how Tory leadership contestants are run means candidates accrued points by demonstrating clearly how unfit they are for a position of such responsibility and importance, resulting in Johnson installing himself as the overwhelming favourite for the job of PM.

“They couldn’t be more different, and by different I obviously mean exactly the same,” a political expert remarked of the two Oxford educated, independently wealthy middle-aged men who have skirted around the edges of breaking the law countless times, bringing their party into disrepute and pissing against the wind and calling it a ‘Brexit plan’.

“Now in fairness to Jeremy, he isn’t a bigot or at least he’s better at hiding it,” explained one proud Tory MP, taking a break from body slamming women peacefully protesting Climate Change inaction.

Some members of the general public in Britain began celebrating wildly as the news filtered in of the identities of the final two candidates, but this has subsequently been explained as a misunderstanding as they focused on the words ‘Hunt Johnson’ and, in their excitement, took it too literally.

“Aw, I got the bloodhounds out for nothing,” one disappointed man remarked.

The final selection process will occur on the 22nd of July, when Tory party members will be tasked with switching off their brains and pretending like this is a good idea.