Sarah Sanders Steps Down To Focus On Sleeping At Night

CITING finding it impossible to sleep soundly at night as the reason for her resignation, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders will now concentrate all her energy on not being haunted by the things she’s done.

“If she attacks sleeping with the same shameless ferocity she attacked the media and spouted complete bullshit, I have full confidence in her being able to fall sleep the second her head hits the pillow,” shared one person with working knowledge of the words that came of Sanders’ mouth during her time as press secretary.

Sanders said she hasn’t struggled with other elements of the day job such as sobbing relentlessly when looking herself in the mirror or trying to act convincing when telling her children ‘Mommy is a good person’, however sleep is the one thing she just can’t master.

“I’ve had many job offers, such as the spokesperson for Infant Mortality. R. Kelly’s spokesperson and the PR officer for the KKK, I think I need to just find out how I can sleep at night again,” Sanders said in between defending the president’s latest comments which probably included making shooting people white Republican voting males think look un-American legal.

Sanders had a troubled relationship with the media in that she consistently lied and the media pointed it out to her.

The deeply religious conservative American, who believes in upholding the Christian values of propping up a misogynistic and xenophobic charlatan, concluded her first press briefing in 94 days by asking if anyone knew how to go about buying back your soul.