Using The Taoiseach’s ‘Same Reply’ With Your Epileptic Child


SO YOU’VE spent all your money on your epileptic child’s medicinal cannabis treatments abroad and now they’re asking question after question as to why they have to endure the crippling seizures every time they return home to Ireland? The Taoiseach has all the answers you will need.

Q: “Daddy, it’s only morning time and I’ve already had two seizures. Can we go back to Holland now?”

A: The government has not moved to establish an access programme for medicinal cannabis and has no information on when it will be commencing.

Q: “Daddy, I hurt my arm off the table. It’s my fourth seizure today. I’m really tired and it’s not even 1pm. Can we not just get the oil here in the shops?”

A: Same reply, kid.

Q: “Mammy, I feel really sick. My brain is all fuzzy. I can’t eat my dinner. When can I have that medicine again?”

A: Same reply, now stop asking questions, we’re busy doing grown up stuff.

Q: “Daddy, when can I see all my friends in school again, I really miss them. I hate being in the house all day”

A: Same reply. And you might as well say goodbye to your friends as there’s no way a school will accept a little girl who has multiple seizures every day.

Q: “Mammy, I had 8 seizures today. I hate it here. Why can’t we make our own oil? It’s only a plant. We can grow it in the garden”

A: Same reply. And if you could make less noise there while you’re thrashing about, that would be great. It’s very distracting.

Q: “Daddy, I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and do all this again. What did Mr. Varadkar say to that man about helping me?”

A: Look, it’s the same reply. What part of this answer are you not getting, kid? We need to figure out how we can make large sums of money from it first. Okay?