IT’S almost Easter, and kids everywhere are all waiting for the same thing… a sit-down talk about the death of Our Lord Jesus Christ, in graphic, no-holds-barred detail, right down to the very last shred of torn flesh.
Kids of all ages love to hear the story of how an innocent man was condemned to death and literally flayed alive in front of his weeping mother, so make sure you include all the following details to make sure your little’uns know just how lucky they are to have been born into Christianity.
1) There’s more to the crucifixion than the crucifixion
Sure, Jesus was nailed to a cross and died a few hours later… but if that’s all your kids are learning, then they’re missing out on the true Easter experience! Be sure to start your Easter lecture with the scourging at the pillar, to maximise the amount of bloody torture your kids soak up at an early age. And of course, the walk to Calvary, with all the trippin’ and lashin’ and screamin’ that went along with it.
2) There’s no detail too small
Your kids may be young, but they know what a nail is, and they know what their hand is. They can easily picture a nail going into a hand, but it takes a true storyteller to really make them feel it. Make sure they can taste the fear in the air when Jesus was getting humiliated and beaten. Make sure they feel every lash of the whip. The telling of the story should last longer than the crucifixion, if you tell it right.
3) Remember who’s fault it all is
Hey kids, remember; you’re not just the audience here, you’re an active participant! Jesus up there, he’s dying for you Timmy! See the one big nail through both his feet? That’s because you said a bad word at playtime, Anna! Derek! Is that gum you’re chewing? Lovely. Wonderful stuff. You just blinded Jesus in one eye, Derek. Look at him. Look at his bloody eye. Maybe think about it next time you break a rule, eh? Fuck sake.
4) Not up to the job?
Not sure you can or should sit down and tell young children about the gruesome murder of a man you’ve spent the whole year bigging up as a really, really nice person? Well, don’t worry. Simply enroll your child in any National School in the country, and they’ll get told the whole thing by their teacher, which will make a nice break from learning useless things like maths and languages.