IN an unprecedented meteorological experiment, the island of Ireland is to be submerged in a bowl filled with billions of tonnes of uncooked rice for 12 to 18 hours to see if it can be dried up a bit, WWN can exclusively confirm.
The move comes as the country is buffeted by yet another series of torrential rainstorms, prompting the government to work together with specialists from Met Éireann, technology experts in Apple and Samsung, and the makers of Uncle Bens to pull off the daring attempt to remove 90% of the excess moisture in Ireland and get it ‘up and running again’.
With ‘bowl of rice in the hotpress’ method achieving great results for mobile phones, mp3 players and tablets that were dropped in the toilet or soaked with tea spilled because you weren’t fucking looking at what you were doing, hopes are high that a similar result awaits Ireland in the morning.
“From Intel to the Facebook data centre, Ireland is basically an electronic device” said a spokesperson for Met Éireann, showing us the blueprints for the gargantuan dish currently being towed across the Atlantic Ocean.
“So we’ll surround it with dry rice, then go and watch TV for a while, and check again in the morning. It’s important that we don’t check too soon, as this will interfere with and perhaps delay the process. Even if you get up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and think ‘hey, I’ll see how the rice is getting on’; leave the fucking thing alone, okay?”
It’ss hoped that the bowl of rice process proves to be more effective than last year’s attempt to ensure a nice summer by building a 90 tonne Child Of Prague and leaving it under a specially grown, 100 metre wide bush.