Average Human Being Now 7% Plastic

A SHOCKING new report into the DNA makeup of modern day human beings has found that a staggering 7% of our bodies now contain some form of micro plastic, a 6% rise in only a decade.

Scientists from Galway-Mayo Institute of Technology and NUI Galway published the report yesterday, and called on the government to intervene and ban all forms of plastic from society as it is contaminating our food and will eventually end up taking over the world.

“People will be 50% plastic by the year 2030,” warned Dr. Kevin Peterson, who headed the report, “just think about the implications of that for a moment; men, women and children will literally be walking around like action figures, bending only at the knees and elbows, heads turning 360 degrees with little or no sexual organs, just smooth plastic where their genitalia used to be, it could be the end of the human race as we know it”.

The report found that the 7% of plastic in the body is currently microscopic and can only be seen through a microscope, but predicts that in the next five years people will start noticing “hard bits” on their bodies.

“It will more than likely start with the nails and teeth first,” Dr. Peterson added. “The biggest worry is the heart, if that starts hardening up into plastic then we’re all fucking fucked.

“The entire planet will be plastic in 100 years, with the solar system following suit in 1000 years,” he concluded.