TABLOID journalists have applied for the annulment of the marriage of pop superstar Ed Sheeran to his childhood sweetheart, claiming that the union contravenes the time-honoured celebrity-media matrimonial agreement.
Sheeran, ungrateful after everything the mainstream media has done for him, snuck off to marry Cherry Seaborn in what has been described as an intimate ceremony in Suffolk some time in December, without announcing anything to journalists or paparazzi.
As such, tabloid editors claim that Sheeran has robbed them of the chance to run months worth of speculative and invasive stories throughout the engagement, as well as multi-page spreads ripping the newlywed’s appearances to shreds for weeks.
“After everything we did for that ginger twat,” sulked Daily Witness editor Eric Worburton, filing annulment papers at the High Court.
“This is not how a newly married celebrity should treat the media. We have a right to all-access passes to this so-called intimate event. We have a right to highlight the bride’s fashion bloopers and comment on her weight. We have a right to spend weeks speculating whether or not Taylor Swift is going to show up. This marriage is to be annulled, and done again properly”.
The annulment papers also mention long-lens access to the couple’s honeymoon, with the public bracing themselves for the inevitable harrowing shots of Ed Sheeran naked on a balcony in direct sunlight.