‘Tiger Kidnapping’ Is So Last Year: We Try Giraffe Assault


SO what’s the next big thing in crime? With Tiger Kidnappings dominating the headlines for the past few years, the readers of WWN’s glossy crime pull-outs are hungry for something scarier and sexier. Wolf Arson? Ostrich Fraud? Platypus Money Laundering? Or maybe the new kid on the block: Giraffe Assault!

It’s the all-new blanket term for fist-and-foot based street fighting that’s sweeping the capital, making Camel Battery look like some thing kids used to do in the playground when there wasn’t a football around!

We at the WWN Crime Department have witnessed hundreds of terrifying Giraffe Assault cases on social media, with youths as young as 10 and adults as old as 90 being both victims and perpetrators of the vicious beatings.

Although it’s not quite clear where the term ‘Giraffe Assault’ originated from, it’s certainly not a catchy term dreamt up by a news outlet to make headlines catchier. To be certain of this, we asked a member of the guards for his opinion.

“Giraffe Assault? Is that when a big tall lad kicks a wee small lad in the face?” asked the member of An Garda Síochána, playing Angry Birds on his phone.

“No? Well, whatever it is, I heard of them alright. Mostly on the cover of papers like the Sunday World and the Herald and the like; ‘Giraffe Assault horror’, ‘Giraffe Assault victim speaks out’, that kind of shit. Anyways, I’m sure it’ll all sort itself out”.

Stay tuned for next week, when we blow the lid off Blue Whale Sex Trafficking!