Tanning Bed Employee Only One Being Paid During Trump Shutdown

“EXCEPTIONS to the rules of a government shutdown can be made if a government employee is so integral, and so vital to ensuring the president can carry out his role as Shutdower-in-Chief”.

These were the words of a White House official when explaining why 21-year-old Crystal McKiernan, an employee granted 24 hour access to the Oval Office and benefiting from the highest security clearance, is now the sole government employee not affected by the current shutdown.

It was argued McKiernan must have access to President Trump at all times and top up his ginger-tinged tan whenever needed and so she has been spared the inconvenience of having her pay deferred until the shutdown is over, as she operates the one key element of the government that the president can’t do without.

With national parks, museums, airports and countless other areas of American life affected since the shutdown began on the 21st of December, the government has been restricted in its ability to run services at full capacity. However, the official presidential tanning bed, named ‘Forced Tan One’ remains operational in the Oval Office.

“The President understands his shutdown affects people who now can’t pay for food like hamberders, or afford their mortgage repayments, but he knew an exception had to be made in one case with Crystal, she’s key to preserving national security and the president’s sun-kissed Cheetos glow in ways others aren’t,” explained a White House official.