Investigation Launched Into Why Christmas Crackers Are So Shite


AN INTERNATIONAL trans-continental investigation has been launched by Interpol to ascertain why Christmas crackers are so unbelievably shite, disappointing and poorly made with a vow to bring those responsible to justice.

“This is an international conspiracy. People across countless nations are victims of piss-poor Christmas crackers and we must end this tyranny now,” confirmed head of Interpol’s Crap Christmas Crackers Corps, Ian Kingston.

Reports that 99.9% of crackers either contain a truly woeful joke, an embarrassment of a trinket toy or don’t ‘crack’ at all has led to Interpol funding a $100 million team to bring the manufacturers down.

“There’s nothing wrong with a corny ‘Dad joke’ in a cracker, that’s part of the time-honoured tradition but if we find who wrote those incomprehensible half jokes that suck the life of Christmas dinner and leave everyone sitting in silence, they will be sent down for 5 years under new emergency laws,” confirmed CCCC head Kingston.

Initial investigations carried out by the CCCC found that the more expensive the cracker, the larger the cracker and the box it came in, however, the overall quality of jokes, toy and snap-sound remains the same.

“There is no bigger criminal conspiracy in the world today, I’d release El Chapo back onto the streets in a heartbeat if I knew I could chuck these bastards in the cell in his place,” Kingston, who’s probably taking this case too seriously, concluded.