Guide To Dating If You’re A Miserable C**t


MORE and more tight-fisted Irish people are having to choose between the sting of loneliness and the sting of paying for a night out, as the dating scene in Ireland strays further and further away from just shifting the nearest person to you in a nightclub ten minutes before it closes, WWN can reveal.

If you’re pining for the love of a good woman or man, but you’re also a miserable skinflint who hates paying for anything, there may be a couple of things you can do to make sure the transition from stranger to partner costs you as little as possible:

1) Fun dates during the day 

You don’t have to take a date to the cinema or to a restaurant… you can have just as good a time at a free event, such as a walk in the park, or sitting on a bench beside a river. Maybe you and your new companion could go to the beach, or hike in a forest. Just remember to bring a 2l of tap water with you in case they say they’re thirsty, hinting that they may want to stop at a shop and buy an expensive bottle of something. Not today, Satan!

2) Cut to the chase

Part of the fun of dating is spending time with a wide range of people, until you find someone who you really click with. But that can involve a lengthy and expensive process where each date will expect to be brought somewhere… not great if you’re keeping a tight eye on your ever-dwindling communion money. So before you bring someone to a  restaurant, just cut right to the point. Is this going anywhere? Do you see us as a potential soul mate? If not, why am I wasting 40 quid on a trip to the cinema mid-week? Save yourself some serious wallet-ache by coming right out from day one. If they tell you to fuck off, well, at least you’ll know

3) Consider dying alone

They say there’s somebody out there for everyone; maybe this just isn’t true. If you haven’t found that special person that fits all your criteria (attractive, good fun, great personality, doesn’t live anywhere that requires a toll to be paid while driving there), then why put yourself into financial discomfort trying? Loneliness isn’t ideal, but it costs fuck all! Jump on the lonely train! Toot toot!