Government Buys Calculator With Loads Of Buttons On It Ahead Of Budget


WITH THE impending 2019 budget just weeks away Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has sent Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe down the shops to get one of those big calculators with all the fancy buttons on them, WWN can reveal.

Details of the 2019 budget, expected to be the last Irish government budget before the next cataclysmic national and international financial crash, are slowing trickling into the public domain via leaks to the media which is now the traditional way of letting the public know about all short term, rash financial decisions Irish governments make.

The budget itself is expected to be affected by what experts are calling ‘truth be told the public coffers are still absolutely fucking smashed, we’re broke’, meaning all necessary spending on infrastructure will not actually be followed through on despite being typed into the big calculator that even has buttons for weird letters and symbols.

“I don’t get it, letters and symbols aren’t numbers. This thing is mad,” confirmed a crowd of senior Dept. of Finance officials gathered around the Minister of Finance’s desk, all scratching their heads.

Responding to well researched and fact checked criticisms of government strategies and spending, the Taoiseach ignored all that in favour of lovely sounding bites of soundbites.

“Sinn Féin and all the lefty loonies would have us spend money on things for people who don’t traditionally vote for Fine Gael, but I’m here to ensure the public that this budget will be a budget for all the people of Ireland – all the people of Ireland who are fairly comfortable and very likely to vote for us in any potential snap election,” the Taoiseach confirmed at the glitzy media launch of the calculator purchase.

Despite not posessing a button function that carries out the specific action, the government will find room to in the budget to turn a blind eye to all large multi-nationals’ questionable tax arrangements.