Government Tick ‘Completely Fuck Over CervicalCheck Victims’ Off Their To Do List


THE GOVERNMENT has capped the expenses package promised to victims of the CervicalCheck scandal, with victims only allowed claim on expenses incurred after the 11th May 2018. Ticking off ‘completely fuck over CervicalCheck victims’ their list, the government freed up time to either pretend homeless figures are going down or distract the public by getting more pictures of the Taoiseach with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

“Basically, any money spent on medical bills, travel, childcare costs or any loss of earnings through being ill incurred before the 11th of May 2018 by women who were incorrectly given the all clear via CervicalCheck cannot be claimed back or to put it in laymans terms the government couldn’t give a shit,” confirmed one expert in empathy, taking responsibility, doing the right thing and being logical and practical.

In a bid to make it as clear as possible the expert added that hypothetically the family of a woman who died after receiving incorrect test results in, say 2016, could only claim expenses incurred relating to the woman’s medical bills after the 11th of May 2018.

Amazingly, the government has defended its position strongly.

“Sorry lads, the way this works is that when the news first breaks we go big. Press conferences, a few tears from a cabinet member, ‘oh very serious indeed’, ‘never again’. We make all the right noises, then we wait a month or so and rely heavily on you, the public, forgetting about it all. We’ll be honest, this method is full-proof, hasn’t failed us yet,” confirmed a spokesperson.

“But hey, it’s not all bad though, we’ve made it so bereaved and grieving families, or severely ill cancer victims can spend money they don’t have on solicitors in a bid to take the Dept of Health and HSE to court and sue them retroactively for costs,” concluded the spokesperson.

The government has been criticised by anyone with a heart who was similarly incensed when the Minister for Health, still completing his victory lap post-referendum, confirmed that women who went private and paid for a cervical screening would not be reimbursed.