FACEBOOK Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is currently suffering from repetitive strain injury in his wrist, caused by having to ceaselessly click away ads for suits, barber shops, toothpaste and anxiety pills that have cluttered up his newsfeed since his congressional hearing this week.
Zuckerberg was brought in front of congress amid the fallout of the Cambridge Analytica scandal, to answer hours of questions on the running of Facebook and whether or not everything was above board when it comes to the handling of users personal information.
The 33-year-old billionaire spent the 12-hour grilling session looking like a 33-year-old guy with maybe 700 dollars in a current account, with thousands of news sites commenting on his appearance, haristyle, and awkward mannerisms.
Having read one or two of these articles on his phone, Zuckerberg’s own algorithm kicked in, flooding his FB feed with tailored ads for makeovers, clothing stores, and stress relief.
“Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to click ‘this ad does not apply to me”?” wondered Zuckerberg, already annoyed at having had to spend a whole day explaining Facebook to people who still use rotary telephones.
“Who designed this shit? Oh wait, yeah, I did… well, it shouldn’t be this fucking annoying. And okay, maybe it was a mistake for me to ‘check in’ at congress, now I’m getting nothing but sponsored ads for coffee shops and open mic nights in the Washington area. I’m not there anymore, so no, I don’t need an ad trying to sell me last minute tickets to a Fleetwood Mac concert! Fuck off!”.
Sources close to Zuckerberg have confirmed that he is now on his 9th iPhone in two days, due to flinging them against a wall at an alarming rate.