Police Investigate Angel Massacre
A SPECIALLY-formed unit of An Garda Síochana has been drafted in to help solve the mysterious circumstances surrounding the deaths of hundreds of angels across Ireland, with only their telltale outline in the fresh snow brought by Storm Emma for clues.
A spokesperson for the Snow Patrol has estimated that as many as 786 angels were massacred in the Waterford region alone since Emma made landfall this week, with disturbing evidence suggesting that the killers may have been as young as three.
In some instances, outlines of entire families of angels were found clustered together in greens and in parks across Ireland, with larger angels joining smaller baby angels in the cold white powder, staring to heaven as they died in the cruel winter slaughter.
“This is the God damnedest thing I’ve seen in my entire life,” said Sgt. Mike Halloran, An Garda’s most grizzled and seen-it-all detective.
“18 angels on this one patch of snow alone. Reports coming in of the crime scenes showing up on social media. Twitter links to videos of the crimes actually being committed! I’ll tell you, there’s some sick puppies out there. Now please join me in saying a prayer for all the poor angels who won’t be seeing home tonight”.
If you have any leads surrounding the mysterious massacre, please inform your local Gardaí. Meanwhile, angels are warned to remain clear of Ireland until the case is solved.