Can You Believe It Took 8 Kids To Make This Piece Of Shit Snowman?
WWN will accept that the young children who took to People’s Park in Waterford city to play in the snow yesterday may be too young to have any real experience in snow sculpture, but that fails to excuse the pathetic attempt at creating a snowman that can be seen at the north entrance to the park this morning.
Amazingly, eyewitnesses say that it took 8 local kids almost the whole day to create the monstrosity, which currently stands slumped at a dismal 5 feet off the ground with a two metre footprint, despite looking like someone just walked over to a pile of snow that the council had scraped off the footpath and stuck a carrot in it.
“It’s a fucking waste of a dry scarf, so it is,” said one woman as she walked past, trying her best not to laugh at the dilapidated piece of shit snowman.
“If my kid made a snowman like that, I’d never let him outside of the house again” said another, who brought his child to the park this morning specifically to point out the structural and aesthetic problems with what is rapidly becoming known as ‘the shit snowman in the People’s Park’.
Closer inspection of the supposed-snowman reveals tell-tale signs of the difficulties the 8 kids faced when creating the beast, which even upon completion could generously have been described as ‘Jabba the Hut-esque’. Speaking to an expert, WWN were able to trace the exact moment the children seem to have given up on creating a life-like representation of snowmen they had seen in cartoons or on TV, and just said to themselves ‘fuck it’.
“So, these kids obviously didn’t take into account that the snow currently covering the country is that horrible powdery won’t-pack shit that is basically impossible to make a decent snowman in,” said Dr. Victor Mandran, Waterford’s foremost snow sculpture expert.
“You can see that they did their best to roll up a ball of snow for the base, and that it basically crumbled away to nothing, leaving just a big pile of snow full of leaves and dogshit at the bottom. Then we can see where they tried to roll up another ball for the torso, not taking into account the sheer weight of a ball of snow that size. Did these dipshit kids think that could lift basically a cubic meter of water by themselves? You’d need a forklift for that. So, they just fucked it on top as best they could there. You can see salt tracks here and there, clearly from crying children who realised that they were failing harder than they’d ever failed before”.
“Lastly, we come to the head, where nobody seems to have given even the slightest of fucks. A few rocks stuck here and there. A mitten, for some reason. A used condom, but that could have been thrown on it later. You’d forgive people for thinking this thing was just a rubbish bin that got caught in a snowdrift, in fairness. 1/10. Fucking useless”.
Kids across the country have been warned to ‘try a bit harder’ when creating snowmen during the rest of Storm Emma, with experts adding that ‘if you don’t know what you’re doing, leave the snow for someone who does’.