Can Ireland Survive Without Bread? We Eat Other Food To Find Out

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ONCE thought to be impossible, the unthinkable has occurred; Ireland, a country with supermarkets filled with a variety of food options, has run out of bread ahead of some snowfall.

Is the panic, violence and murder seen on the streets warranted? Is the sharing of the same gas memes by Irish media publications and websites still even a little bit amusing after they’ve beaten any fun out of the meme’s lifeless corpse? There’s no way to really know until they’ve posted another 7,892 of the things they’ve stolen from somewhere else.

In a bid to see if the nation of 4.5 million people could survive an occurrence such as a temporarily low supply of bread, WWN’s crack team of science reporters and investigative journalists worked around the clock to find an answer.

Can Ireland survive without bread? We eat other food to find out, you fucking idiots.

Various canned foodstuffs

Baked beans, chickpeas, spaghetti hoops. Tinned pineapples. Just a few of the foods on offer which have a shelf life of several years compared to the ‘few days at best’ best before that most bread is good for.

Could something other than bread help sustain us? Help us survive the snow?

It seemed at first we had made a grave fucking error as our entire staff is Irish, rendering our ability to think about stocking up and eating anything other than bread completely limited.

We pawed at the tins of food in a confused manner while some of us jumped up and down in an excited fashion shouting ‘bread’. The labels on the outside of the tins suggested the contents had some nutritional value, but how can anyone trust anything other than bread?

Tin opener

After extensive research on the internet, we discovered a magical tool which must have been molded from some sort of witch spell. Named ‘tin opener’ we examined it for hours but could not use it to coax the food from the tins.

Pointing at the tin opener while shouting ‘leave food! I demand you transport yourself to my mouth’ proved pointless.

I’m hungry

Without bread, the giver of all life, we grew restless, tired and hungry. One staff member, hallucinating, mistook a colleague for a piece of bread and tried to force them into a toaster. The struggle lasted all of ten minutes before others thankfully intervened and helped to place our colleague, who resisted and screamed, into the toaster.

Flesh

Flesh is not bread. But flesh is food. Flesh feeds us. We are no longer hungry. The snow cannot hurt us anymore.

But bread?

Yes bread. I curse the bastard editor who sent us on this suicide mission. It was insanity to think we could survive this sort of weather without a vast supply of bread. Oh God, I’ll never see my children again. I’ve never died of bread withdrawal before, is it painful? Maybe I will do the unimaginable before I get the dreaded ‘bread brain’ and go mad. Wait, is that…Oh thank God, it’s a human sized slice pan. Now, if I can force it into the toaster I might live beyond today.

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